To be afraid is to be fearful or frightened. To be worried that something undesirable will occur or be done. It's a feeling of nervousness and worry.
I'd like to think that because I am a woman of faith that there are a few things that I am actually afraid of. I have faith, so fear doesn't' have power over my life. However, I am one hundred percent human and we get afraid sometimes. There are times when fear grips you and it's hard to grab on to that faith.
At this point in my life, there are just a few things that make me actually afraid. There are just four things that I can think of right now that make me so uncomfortable and nervous and worried that something might happen to me.
- I am afraid of bridges.
- I am afraid of being too close to animals with more legs than me.
- I am afraid of dying as a failure.
- I am afraid of being unable to protect my son.
As previously discussed in another blog entry, I am uncertain from whence my fear of bridges has come. I don't know what it is, but I feel so afraid when I am driving on a narrow road leading to a bridge. I can't even make it to the actual bridge most times because I've had a panic attack just thinking about the bridge coming up. I just see the bridge and my life flashes before my eyes. I begin to cry and breath heavily. The uneasy feeling I have just thinking about driving across a bridge is something to focus on getting rid of. I absolutely love to drive and driving long distances is so relaxing for me. I'm hoping that this is just a phase and that I can get back to traveling as a driver as I have for most of my adulthood.
I will not say that I have a fear of animals. I am appreciative of all the various different types of animals and species and the food chain. However, I do not appreciate being so close to them. I do not trust anything with more legs than me. It makes me extremely uncomfortable being around a creature that can do things that I can not. And to make matters worse, to have a relationship with that creature in a confined and intimate setting... outrageous. Nope!
There are tons of things that I want to accomplish in my life. I have felt as though I am playing "catch-up" right now because I should have done so much way before now. I believe that I'm not too late, but I do have so much to do. I'd hate to die and have my work undone. The thought of dying with so much unfinished business and so many opportunities that I could have taken advantage of and so many people I could have positively affected, just makes me nervous and worried. I am determined now to change that. I am on a mission to begin to achieve so much before I turn 40 years old and beyond. I want to leave a legacy and security for my son and my loved ones. I don't want to die a disappointment, so I have to work daily now to make life better and plan for the future.
Lastly, I have a gutwrenching ache that I would not be able to protect my son. Whether because I am physically unable to defend him because of my physical limitations due to being overweight, out of shape, and sick or crippled, or whether it be that I am not present with him when danger reaches him to protect him from it, the thought makes me feel helpless and useless. I am motivated to change my physical status so that I can run fast, have endurance, more strength, jump high, climb, swim, fight, have great reflexes, defense tactics, see near and far, etc. I want to be able to handle whatever situation that may come up that threatens my son and me physically. Right now, I am not confident that I can do any of the aforementioned. I'm on a mission to change that.
Not very much makes me afraid, however, I hope this shortlist of things that do gives you a glimpse into who I am and how I hope to become a better person.
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